Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

these can’t be my only options

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure