Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Already got one

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.