Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Meow

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

you know what ruined my childhood? children

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.