wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
kids play hide and seek like
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there