I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
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Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
secret recipe
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license