wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
This could be us, but you weedin’.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.