wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.