Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….