Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
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I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me