Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
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Natty or not?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
the saddest jazz hands ever
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.