wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?


Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.


Me: Do you love me?

13: Silence

Husband: if you don’t tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.


If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.


My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.


Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.


I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.


A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets