please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
wife: our beautiful baby girl
me: she’s got your eyes
wife: and your nose
Gimili: and my axe
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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: if you don’t tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets