@pilau

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

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@ScottLinnen

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

@thevickster_sa

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

@JKNenagh

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

@TheMichaelRock

Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.

Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!

@Dustinkcouch

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

@nicholas_biondi

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

@_elvishpresley_

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.