@pilau

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

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@fro_vo

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

@RdrJay47

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

@Sir_Strange

Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

@panthersblondie

Me: Do you love me?

13: Silence

Husband: if you don’t tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@RodLacroix

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

@chrisdowning

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

@Imsohoppy

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

@morninggloria

A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets