Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
wife: our beautiful baby girl
me: she’s got your eyes
wife: and your nose
Gimili: and my axe
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Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.
Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.
This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.