Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Today’s tshirt
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.