Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”