Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again