Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?