Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

Isn’t

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*