Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

October already? What’s next? November????

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.