wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
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Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven