Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

Denise please return my vape pen

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?