Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

How to draw a duck

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

I’m not average. I’m mean.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!