Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.