Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

Split the bill

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.