Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

is this a warning or an offer?

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Ugh

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

incredible google review i just found

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.