Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
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Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Always 🥴
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin