Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.