Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

*puts cutlery down*

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”