Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Room with a view.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

she has a point

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.