Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
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AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
and now we wait
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.