Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.