Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
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Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.