Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

WTF

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

finally

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it