Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.