Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts