WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
this is funnier than any friends episode
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My dog learned how to text
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.