Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.