Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably my best painting.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes