Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

The pen is writier than the sword.

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers