Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Oops

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

the dark web is just a goth google.

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.