Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Artwork by Herta Burbe

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’