Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
how to have an accident 101
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.