Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

murder on the timeline

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

*jazz hands*

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .