Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

This is so wrong 😂

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

Nomnomnomnom

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

Mine in this week’s New Yorker