Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE