Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.