Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

I triple waxed for this?

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

first you must answer his riddles

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.