Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?