Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
You Might Also Like
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Usage Guidelines
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.