Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person