wife: please be careful with that box…you remember the bead incident
narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he’d decided to surprise her by organizing the closet, but it was he who would soon be surprised.
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow