wife: please be careful with that box…you remember the bead incident
narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he’d decided to surprise her by organizing the closet, but it was he who would soon be surprised.
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.