Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not