wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
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My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…