Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

I need a headline like this

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!