WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
🙂🙃🥹
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
me at the job i begged god for
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.