wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family