wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I don’t know what to do
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
saw this in a dream
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.