wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
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When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Battery falling down a hole
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.