Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.