Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?