Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

lmfao

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.