Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]