@TuckerFly1
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
@arcadeseals
wife: please, don’t let our son down again
me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken
You Might Also Like
@TuckerFly1
@littlestp123
boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks
@TheTweetOfGod
You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.
@TheNardvark
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
@ItsLaTourette
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
@mattZillaaaa
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
@Mr_goose007
Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.
@ibid78
“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus
@kelkulus
Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.
@kyry5
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.