wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken

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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*


boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks


Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.


I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed


Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.


“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus


Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.


One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.