@arcadeseals

wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken

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@TuckerFly1

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

@littlestp123

boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks

@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

@Mr_goose007

Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.

@ibid78

“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus

@kelkulus

Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.