Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.