wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.