Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

I have written yet another poem about laundry

Oh the world we live in…

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.