Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.