Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.