Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

it must be school picture day

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.