Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

More like Kate Missington.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling