Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone