Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*