Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.