Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?