WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
still the best tweet of the year by far
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!