Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest