WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala