Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

People buying plungers never look happy.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?