Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl