Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

*watches the world burn*

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

I beg your pardon?

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day