Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Well well well…
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life